Arise and Sing

Years ago, I attended a baby shower for my friend Patricia, a very talented soprano. Most of the attendees were either professional opera singers or voice coaches. When asked by another guest if I, too, was a singer, my immediate response was, “Are you kidding? In this group, I wouldn’t even try to hum!”

The thing is, I always loved singing, but never felt my voice good enough for public consumption. Fast forward two decades: I decided to dedicate a song (as a surprise), to my husband for a big birthday bash. The person who gave me the courage to perform was my friend (and musical mentor), Danny Dworsky, a professional musician of incredible talent (and patience). Learning how to breathe properly, phrase the lyrics and get around the high notes made the experience exhilarating and the actual performance a most memorable occasion.

Devotees of singing believe that vocal expression, besides being thoroughly enjoyable, is also therapeutic. Some even compare the impact yoga has had during this decade with the importance which will be given to singing lessons, classes, and groups within the next one. If you’re a frustrated singer, think you’ll now be game?

• Research has found that singing boosts the immune system by increasing levels of cortisol and immunoglobin A (listening to music, although pleasurable, does not have the same effect).

• Don’t discount your solos in the shower or when alone in the car –breaking into song promotes well-being, better health, and reduces pain by releasing endorphins.

• Singing has been associated with lower heart rate, increased lung capacity, higher energy, improved posture, relaxation and enhanced mood- so what if you’re sometimes off key?

• Group singing promotes rapid rapport, whether a duet, choir or songfests, releasing oxytocin (that “feel good”) hormone and promoting emotional bonding.

• Associations with songs harkens memories of great and significant times-revel in them.

• Singing, as opposed to speaking, often conveys emotional messages by the choice of song and its lyrics, vocal power, phrasing, crescendo, etc.

• For an extra bonus, try adding your favorite dance routine to your virtuoso voice performance (who hasn’t seen a Broadway show and imagined being up on that stage?).

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The "Schmata Syndrome"

"Schmata" is another priceless Yiddishism, literally a rag, but often connoting something worthless or of inferior quality: "The dress your ex's husband's new wife is wearing" is an old joke which conveys its ultimate definition.

However, a person who is considered a schmata is the one who always gets taken advantage of, dumped on, ripped off, often referred to as a "doormat". Ever feel like someone's wiping their feet off on you?

• Time to examine yourself and your relationships carefully by understanding your own motivations-wanting to be liked and respected, afraid of losing friends, uncertain of your true opinions, etc.

• Being defined as a wimp or wimpette-always being the "nice guy or girl", while afraid of hurting others' feelings, hating to see others sad (they WILL get over it!), or fearful of expressing your own needs and desires.

• Allowing others to treat you like a child, choosing what's "best" for you- of course, this really means what's best for them!

• The perennial doormat-concern about others to the extreme- is left vulnerable to anger, stress, and fatigue, which can take a serious toll on the immune system.

• Walking around with a sign that says, "Kick me!"- you may be a natural peace maker and giver, but it's time to be discerning and weigh the merits of EACH request- no need to constantly acquiesce and feel over-burdened and ultimately resentful.

• Not wanting to be labeled selfish, stubborn, or uncooperative- is it possible this SELF-labeling is over-exaggerated in order not to change behavior?

• "People pleasers" who cave in to the disappointment expressed by others when their requests have been turned down- validate their feelings without changing your answer (e.g. "I understand your disappointment, but I still can't do this" – even when they keep coming up with different ways to get you to capitulate.).

• Is your partner (or other important people in your life), calling all the shots-when was the last time you had input for important decisions?

• Always needing to be cheerful and upbeat regardless of negative feelings and things happening in your life which are considerably less than perfect- this pattern often leads to loss of self respect, guilt, passivity and wobbly boundaries.

• Seen by others as innocuously inoffensive or weak because the "real you" is being hidden behind this façade.

• You've advanced to the point where you can actually say no to a request, but, as the conversation proceeds, find you have agreed to do something you really don't want to do- time to master the polite right of refusal- ex. "Let me think about this", "I can recommend someone who…" etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Perils of Pettiness

Last week, upon answering a knock on the door, I recognized our neighbor, with his walker in tow, asking to have a word with us. He wasn't collecting for a charity (as I initially thought), but needed the approval of a majority of homeowners to get a larger parking space. After hip replacement surgery, additional swivel room was necessary to get out of his car with the walker. One resident, claiming that the handicapped individual (who happened to be on the building's board), was thus getting an unfair advantage, blocked approval. Hence, a majority of owners now needed to sign the petition.

I was struck by the pettiness (and mean spiritedness) of the protester - as if this gentleman had his hip replaced in order to get a better parking spot! However, my dismay inevitably led me to the idea for this week's Tip:

• Choose the reputation and legacy by which you want to be known – one of generosity of spirit or of spite and small-mindedness.

• Don't sweat the small stuff- we all have to deal with piddling annoyances as a fact of life. Keep things in perspective without dwelling upon insignificant (and mistaken?) rebuffs and rebukes.

• Ask this question to determine whether to act upon your annoyance or anger: Will it be important in a week, a month, or a year? If not, let it go!

• Choosing to live in conflict –is the rush of "battle" fueling a need to argue (and win) in an inordinate number of interchanges? Why, and at what price glory?

• Stop rationalizing- is their a belief that others, due to their inadequacies somehow "deserve" to be berated, made to feel insignificant or be scolded and reprimanded for minor infractions?

• Cultivating pettiness cements the need to be hyper-vigilant- constantly on guard against the smallest slight or offense, whether intentional or not.

• What are the underlying and motivating factors? –fear (what exactly are you afraid of?) and low self esteem-there's no time like the present to examine the cost of trivial and narrow minded thinking (trusted friends and professional feedback may be particularly helpful).

• "Do unto others…"- the Golden Rule needs no explanation.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Feel free to leave comments

The Boundary Hunters

In a former life as a social worker, responsible for child victims of abuse and neglect, I was keenly aware of the high number of colleagues applying for stress leaves. I assured my supervisor that the pressure of the job would not cause me to take a respite from work, but that I did like to take vacations! Besides using my accrued time for needed breaks, I realized the importance of setting unambiguous emotional boundaries as a way to maintain my equilibrium.

As boundaries define a sense of self and how you expect others to treat you, intrusions by "boundary hunters", whether deliberate or not, leave us feeling uncomfortable and even violated. This is especially difficult when it involves close family, friends or colleagues, as the parameters that define appropriate behavior have been breached. If so, it may be time to re-think and re-set the limits of your psychological dividing lines:

•"Good fences make good neighbors"- just as true with personal connections, as intact boundaries are essential to all types of healthy interactions.

•Know thyself- are you clear about where you end and the other person begins? It's often the spaces in the middle that may be somewhat blurry, particularly if you feel taken advantage of or smothered.

•Erecting emotional walls is not the same as constructing healthy psychological boundaries- clearly defined emotional and behavioral perimeters let you decide who and what will/won't enter your life (but if too inflexible and harsh, others may feel like they're dealing with the Gestapo).

•Beware of spilling your guts- a healthy sign you have clearly defined limits in interpersonal relations is that you can be open with others, yet know when to keep personal things private.

•"Border crossings"- the danger of mixing business and pleasure-being overly friendly in emails, phone conversations and meetings, or believing that your boss is really your friend, can be easily misconstrued and backfire with serious ramifications.

•Practice saying NO (it helps to do this in the mirror), until it becomes a natural response, without any twinges of guilt, so that your "boundary lines" (both physical and emotional) are crystal clear.

•What are your goals and what do you want to accomplish?- ask yourself, " when, where, what, why and how" questions to help clarify what you expect, want and need from the relationship, as well as to establish open lines of communication.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!


Feel free to leave comments.

Curiosity Can't Kill This Cat

As a three year old, my husband's ever-present curiosity led him to take apart the family's washing machine. You've probably guessed that a slight problem arose when he was unable to put the appliance back together (hardly surprising for a tot!). Happily, he was not punished for his inquisitiveness, as his parents were rather proud and intrigued by his ingenuity. Perhaps his decision to become a scientist and university professor was first nurtured and rewarded in this bold (and half successful!) experiment.

Curiosity has been the motivating force behind most inventions, discoveries, and adventures throughout history. As children, the search to discover how all aspects of the world works is fueled by a sense of awe and inherent attention to what is novel and enthralling. In adult life, that wonder sometimes gets tarnished, particularly as the status quo becomes more comfortable and change more daunting.

If your curiosity needs re-charging, begin with these pointers:

•Establish a culture that rewards inquisitiveness, creativity, novelty and inventiveness whether at home or in the workplace.

•The fascination factor helps to bolster active minds which are stimulated by an insatiable quest for knowledge and information.

•Research has indicated that curiosity can be a reliable predictor in the ability to develop intimacy and successful relationships – being open to experiences, novelty, and always asking questions, produces new and changing perspectives and a broader world view.

•Read, Read, Read- diversify, discover and delve and discover new and interesting fields of knowledge and information.

•Think of some things you might like to unlearn, those that you feel have stifled your thinking, belief systems, relationships - how might you go about re-educating while stimulating your curiosity?

•Too steeped in habitual and familiar life patterns, thoughts, and choices? Start being more cognizant of new ideas, investigating different viewpoints and interests to upend outmoded thinking.

•Teach curiosity by being curious- establish a culture within the family or work environment that prizes wonderment and is captivated by a sense of discovery, exploration and a passion for learning.

•Interest and probing into other cultures, groups and communities serves to open doors for greater understanding, communication, and appreciation between individuals and populations.

•It's NOT cool to be bored–constantly ask questions, don't take things for granted and immerse yourself in exciting and interesting ideas and endeavors. (Dorothy Parker said it best, "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.").

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Freeing Your Inner Hero

Freeing Your Inner Hero

In Greek mythology, a hero was the progeny of a mortal and a deity, thereby creating a demigod. Today, it needn't be only superheroes that can fire our imagination as invincible role models. Many modern day heroes come from ordinary families that have instilled values rooted in the belief of doing things for the greater good and a clear sense of living a purposeful life.

Before donning your cape and valiantly vanquishing global forces of evil, try pondering the benefits of other, equally important, ways to act heroically:


• Doing the "right" thing in daily life-not substituting excuses for inaction- belief in a task (however small or less than monumental), cause, or mission that must be addressed, often putting self-interest on "hold".

• Displaying a willingness to take physical or social risks to ensure fairness and shake up the status quo (e.g. Rosa Parks' extreme bravery in refusing to move to the back of the bus, no matter what the consequences).

• Conviction in having the power to make a difference-being a leader, teacher or mentor, and/or using imagination and creativity to guide a vision to implement change.

• Seeing adversity as a challenge that transforms experience- triumphing over fears, difficulties and dramatic events that must be successfully navigated as part of life's journey.

• Being armed with knowledge and information, (which allay fear and anxiety in oneself and others), that aid in committing to positive courses of action.

• Extraordinary and unforeseen situations often enable "regular" people to respond passionately, selflessly and courageously-September 11th is a prime example of this phenomenon.

• Who are your heroes? What makes them worthy of your admiration, respect and emulation?

• How do you think these individuals got their capacity to persevere, their sources of inspirational power and the ability to intrepidly create their own destiny?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Intuition, Not For Women Only!

Before the advent of speech, intuition proved essential for our progenitors' survival in a hostile environment. The ability to respond to threats and act immediately was often a matter of life or death. As speech developed, our ancestral brains rapidly expanded and instinctual knowledge began taking a back seat to reasoned intelligence and logic.

Intuition, once relegated to the domain of women due to historical primacy placed upon factual information, seems to be getting greater respect these days. With more sophisticated understanding of the complex workings of brain structure and chemistry, intuition, insight, gut feelings, and common sense are no longer the step-children of knowledge:

• Commit to having free, uncluttered time (even if it's 5-10 minutes/day), to focus on inner sight, inklings, hunches, etc.

• Make a conscious effort to be more attuned to nuances of communication (those that women are particularly adept at employing): body language, tone of voice, facial signals and listening skills.

• Don't allow left brain processes to deny right brain hunches-check out those quick insights which often provide direct knowledge.

• The more experience and expertise held in an area, the more likely you are to be inspired and guided by your sixth sense-trust it and use it.

• When you sense the certainty of your impressions and foresights, give yourself permission to "go with your gut".

• Keep an Intuition Log to determine how often your instincts are right- check the accuracy of your unfettered perceptions over time and be aware how these impressions come to you-through dreams, thoughts, sensory input, or instantaneous insights.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!